


Kiss My Ass, You Sanctimonious Bastards!

by CookiesVersusCream



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Also theres a scene that some might find disturbing towards the beginning so just a heads up, Canon Divergence, Gen, Give me that good good John redemption shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 07:45:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11755254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookiesVersusCream/pseuds/CookiesVersusCream
Summary: A (highly self-indulgent) what-if scenario that got carried way out of hand. Written in the style of tazscripts, and takes some material directly from episode 68.





	Kiss My Ass, You Sanctimonious Bastards!

**Author's Note:**

> A big thanks to tazscripts and everyone who maintains it for making the process of writing this fic literally a million times easier, as well as just providing a wonderful service in general. Also, apologies for the formatting; I cannot figure out how to format this in the manner that I formatted it when typing in in google docs. If someone could help me out with that, it would be greatly appreciated!

Griffin: –And when that happens, the room around you screams.

And— and those eyes start burning and they’re squinting with rage, and suddenly hands attached to these, uh, long arms appear from the walls and the floor and John stands up from his chair with a start but he’s too late. These hands are just tearing at him, and those— those rifts all over his body start to expand. Um, and a group of arms reach up and grab his legs and start to pull him down into the floor. And...he’s...screaming, and he’s reaching for you, Merle. What do you do?

Clint: I yell,

Merle: I have a way to stop this! Just trust me!

Griffin: [laughs] Oh shit? You’re not gonna try and grab him, or save him, or do–

Travis: He literally just did say ‘Just trust me.’

Clint: Yeah! What he said!

Griffin: Alright, alright. John stares at you, and when he sees that you aren’t helping him, his face forms an expression of confusion and horror. But a few seconds later he comes to his senses and opens his mouth to say something. However, he’s a second too late: before he can make a single sound, he is swallowed whole by The Hunger. And right as John disappears, you feel something you haven’t felt all day, Merle. You feel the presence of your god.

[Pan starts playing]

Clint: I grab the– fuck, what was it called– the time orb. The one Istus gave me back in the Eleventh Hour. And I smash it on the ground.

[As Clint says the last sentence, all the others yell in excitement]

[Pan abruptly stops playing] 

Griffin: [Still recovering] Okay, so I was going to give you your magic back, but– okay, this is how this is going to work. Merle, while you are searching for the time orb, you feel your magic starting to return. When you smash the ball and return to where you were nine seconds ago, that magic starts to fade– quickly. So, to set the scene, you and John are sitting at the table. The animated knight piece is just about to attack the king piece, which you now know will lead to John’s ultimate demise. What do you do?

Clint: I stand up on my chair, and slap the chessboard off the table.

Griffin: The chess pieces go flying everywhere. And just like when the knight successfully struck the king in the alternate timeline, John’s king explodes, releasing the pieces that it had captured. John’s normally cordial, collected composure instantly disappears, and he yells,

John: Merle, what the fuck do think you’re–

Griffin: As this happens, the eyes that had been watching you widen in surprise, then shrink into a vicious and furious glare. John’s yelling is interrupted as the hands that had assaulted alternate-John make their way towards you. 

Justin: Can I just say that if Merle is killed just before this campaign ends, this will be a really shitty campaign?

[Griffin and Travis laugh]

Clint: [As the two of them are laughing] You didn’t let me finish yet!

Travis: Sorry.

Griffin: Yeah, let's let dad carry out on whatever quite-frankly awesome plan he has.

Clint: Thanks, Griffin. My magic hasn’t completely disappeared yet, right?

Griffin: You still have some magic left.

Clint: Great, that’s kind of what– what this entire thing has been depending on.

Griffin: So which spell do you cast, daddy-o?

Clint: [Triumphantly] I shout,

Merle: Come at me, you sanctimonious bastards!

Clint: Then I cast Zone of Truth.

Griffin: Fuuck, this is perfect. So this is what happens: You start casting this spell. So normally when you cast this spell, it’s like a spotlight appears above you and like shines down, and then sort of expands out several feet, and encompasses some folks, and then they don’t lie. When you cast it this time, this happens, and the light scorches the hands closest to you. But then the light begins to fade, and the range it covers narrows as your magic runs out completely–

Clint: Welp.

Griffin: –but then, you feel Pan returning, I guess for the second time. And the light just suddenly intensifies, and it is now bursting through the ceiling of this room. And The Hunger- The Hunger is just being burned away. This light, it’s surrounding you in this perfect, holy column, that expands and expands. And as it does, it peels this darkness off the walls and floor and you see it disintegrating into ash, and the walls are just screaming and these eyes wink closed and disappear. And this light– it’s affecting John too. As it envelops him, he falls to the floor, screaming and writhing in pain. But as you watch him, you notice something happening. The opal lines that are criss-crossing his skin begin to fade, then disappear all together. And right when the last lines vanish, his body stills.

Clint: I run over to him.

Griffin: When you get closer to him, you can see that he’s still breathing. It’s pretty obvious that he passed out from the massive amount of pain he just experienced. And while you are examining him, you hear a slight cough. When you look up, you see that the entire room is just light. And more importantly in front of you– you look at this figure from the ground up– you see two hooved, furry legs, and a round, hairy potbelly, and a warm, horned face with kind eyes and a bushy beard and wild hair, and you are standing in front of a deity you have worshipped your entire life.

[Pan starts playing, again]

Griffin: For all of his divine glory, Pan, in this moment, looks meek and apologetic. And he says,

Pan: Hi Merle.

Griffin: And before you can say anything, he notices John, passed out behind you, and there’s this confused expression on his face, and he asks,

Pan: Who’s this?

Merle: It’s a– it’s a long story. Like, a really long story.

Griffin: Pan still looks uncertain.

Merle: He and I, we go a long way back. He’s… a good guy. He has done some not-so-great stuff, believe me, I’d know, but he’s a good guy.

Pan: I believe you– I don’t doubt what you’re saying– but Merle, the only way that someone else could be here is if they’re an agent of The Hunger.

Merle: I think he’s done with all that.

Pan: [sighs] Very well, I’ll trust you. Now, to get to what I originally came here for: I want to apologize. It was never my intention to forsake you, or abandon you, or make you feel hopeless. 

Merle: I mean, it’s fine. I’m not– not pissed or anything like that. But where— what’s been goin’ on? 

Pan: I was trapped in the Celestial Plane, Merle, along with every other god and I am so sorry. I’m so sorry that… I wasn’t strong enough to find a way out on my own.

Merle: Well look on the bright side! I’m still alive, my buddies are, I think, still alive. So, I got my magic back? I mean is this a temporary thing? I mean am— m— m...is this for real?

Griffin: He places a hand on your shoulder, um, and as he does so, um, you see the scene starting to like, fade, this Parley space that was created is like fading out. Um, and even Pan himself is starting to sort of, um, fade out as you leave this space, and he says,

Pan: Merle, I’m back, and with you for good. And I— Merle, I heard your story! 

[Pan fades back in]

Pan: And I need you to know something. 

Griffin: And he fades a little bit more, but you can still feel his warm hand on your shoulder, and he says,

Pan: You’re not from this world. And, so, technically speaking, that means I’m not your Pan.

Griffin: And he’s almost gone now. And he says,

Pan: But you will always be my Merle.

~~~

Griffin: Merle, you are back—

Clint: Merle’s just walkin’ around, liftin’ his eyepatch so these beams are coming out of it and blastin’ stuff, and he’s saying,

Merle: Truth beams! Truth beams!

Griffin: Um, no actually you’re— you’re lying in some mud [Clint: Oh] on the side of a straight dirt road. And that is where you sort of awaken after being in the Parley space. And this dirt road, it’s cutting through a forest of these sparse pine trees, and as you sort of get your bearings, you see the Bureau headquarters still floating in the sky several miles down the road. You also hear a conversation, and the voices sound familiar. Then you realize that they– well, most of them– belong to the various people you met during your time in Refuge. And as you stand up, Ren sees you and shouts,

Ren: He’s awake!

Griffin: And the conversation stop as they all turn to look at you. You see Ren, who’s standing the closest to you, as well as Redmond, Luca, and Paloma. A bit further away are Cassidy, wearing a poorly tailored suit, and June with a red bird perched on her shoulder. And standing with them, is John. The silence lasts for a couple more moments, then is broken by Cassidy running over to you, yelling,

Cassidy: How’re you holdin’ up, lil’ gerblin?

Merle: Cassidy!

Griffin: The next voice you hear is John’s, surprisingly. He’s actually running after Cassidy, shouting,

John: Why do you keep on calling him that? What even is a ‘gerblin?’

Griffin: Judging by the tone in his voice, it’s clear has asked this question many times already. And as those two run towards you, all the others start making their way over to where you’re standing as well, although more slowly.

Merle: You’re not gonna hit me with a shovel, are ya?

Cassidy: I put that chapter o’ my life behind me, I’m the mayor now!

Griffin: John positions himself between you and Cassidy, and asks, in an exasperated tone, 

John: Merle, can you please explain to me who the hell these people are what they want from you?!

Merle: Oh, yeah! They’re from Refuge, a town that we… helped out, a while back.

John: ‘We?’

Merle: [Chuckling uncomfortably] It’s a long, long story. Like a lot of things today, really.

Griffin: He looks like he’s about to question you some more, but before you can say anything, Cassidy asks,

Cassidy: What the heck ‘er ya doin’ lyin’ on a dirt road in the middle o’ the apocalypse?!

Merle: I have back issues.

Griffin: [Laughs]

Merle: No, I just uh, I don’t know, I, you know, hook, hooked back up with my god, and you know, it was, ehh, it was kinda tiring. But um, we can talk about this later.

Cassidy: That’s good by me! Who’s this city slicker watchin’ over ya?

Griffin: John looks away from you as Cassidy asks this, and his cheeks turn the slightest bit red.

Merle: Him? He’s, uh, a friend of mine. We go way back. What are you all doing here?

Griffin: Ren looks like she’s about to say something, but is then interrupted by June. She says,

June: Well uh, Paloma brought us here actually. She said she had a feeling that she’d be seeing you today. She has something that she wanted you to see.

Griffin: And Paloma starts walking towards you. Once she reaches you, she says– hold on, I gotta conjure up my fuckin’ Björk voice again–

Paloma: Merle, I wanted you to see something. This,

Griffin: And she holds the crystal up and she says,

Paloma: This is my last prophecy, Merle. All the other prophecies, they showed me the end of the world. But this one,

Griffin: And she takes your hand and sort of like stretches out your fingers and puts the crystal in your hands and she says,

Paloma: This one hasn’t shown me anything. Maybe it just doesn’t work, but maybe… maybe there’s another way that all this can end. Can you keep it safe for me please?

Merle: You got it. Consider it done.

Clint: I take this crystal, and I put it in my [crosstalk] you know those— those little watch pockets...

Travis: [crosstalk] Butt.

Griffin: No. You put it in your pocket. All throughout this exchange, Ren has been agitatedly staring at John. After the crystal is securely in your pocket, she blurts out,

Ren: The man we found you with… he told us his name is John. Merle, surely he isn’t… he can’t be the John that was mentioned in the stories, right?

Griffin: After she says that, everyone goes silent and is staring at you, waiting for an answer. 

Merle: Look, he’s– I know what he has done, but he can’t do that anymore. I can promise you all that much.

Griffin: John nods his head in agreement and says,

John: Whatever Merle did, it completely took away my bond with The Hunger, and with it, my power. I’m just a regular human, now.

Griffin: Everyone looks at him for a second, not sure what to make of this, and then– then all hell breaks loose. Everyone is talking at once, and while it’s impossible to hear what any one person is saying, you can tell that the general consensus is that people are angry with John and don’t think that he can be trusted. But there’s one person not taking part in this chaos– June. She’s standing to the side, looking thoughtfully at him. And when she steps towards him, everyone stops talking. She says,

June: I know what it’s like to have power, a huge, impossible amount of it. And I know what it’s like to use that power, for what you think is doing good. And I know what it’s like to hurt people, so many people, in trying to achieve what you think is right. In trying to make a decision that you think is the only is the only decision that can be made. So I understand. I’m not saying that you’re right, or that you deserve forgiveness, but gods do I understand. I understand you, John.

Griffin: After hearing this, John completely breaks down. He is sobbing, bawling. For the first time, ever, someone has truly understood him. Understood him, not as a motivational speaker who discussed the truth of eternity, but as a person.

Clint: Merle sees this, and embraces him.

Griffin: He bends down and hugs you back. And he says,

John: Merle, I have to know. Do you– do you forgive me?

Merle: Of course I do, you idiot.

Griffin: He smiles weakly and says,

John: Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Merle: I think I do.

Griffin: Right after you say that, there’s this deafening rumbling sound, and Luca shouts,

Luca: Holy shit!

Griffin: And you all look up, and see a few hundred feet in front of you, straddling the road, and staring downward, is one of the Judges. And as it sees you, Merle, it starts walking in your direction. And then it sees John. And if this thing was mad before, now it’s fucking pissed. It’s now running. And everyone is panicking and making their way towards the horseless wagon you’ve now just noticed as fast as they can. But before you can start running, Roswell flies over to you and lands on the ground in front of you and says,

Roswell: Well, that’s a big boy.

Merle: Yeah, no shit! You got any ideas on how to deal with that thing?

Roswell: Actually, I do. I may not be an elemental anymore, but I can still talk to the Earth.

Griffin: And they turn to face this giant and says,

Roswell: And we’ve got friends down there. 

Griffin: And Roswell chirps out a song.

[The Purple Worm starts playing]

Griffin: And you feel the earth beneath your feet tremble. And to the west you hear a terrible crash, and then another. And as you look in that direction, you see pine trees being ripped out of the ground and tossed effortlessly into the air. And you see the earth buckling and moving, as a fissure forms, and races toward the road. And then you hear a deafening roar, and then the ground explodes. And there’s the purple worm.  
And it’s sailing through the air with surprising grace. And it rams the Judge like a train, and both go rolling into the forest on the opposite side of the road. And the worm is just coiling around the Judge, just taking huge bites out of it, and burning it with fire. And the Judge is taking shots at the worm too, but you can see that it’s clearly overwhelmed as the two of them go wrestling deeper and deeper into the woods and out of sight. And in the distance in the woods you hear the purple worm roar. And Roswell says,

Roswell: It says thanks for reuniting it with its kids.

Griffin: And then there’s another roar and Roswell says,

Roswell: And, it says... you’re even.

Griffin: And John, who’s still standing there frozen in fear and astonishment says,

John: Merle, I swear to all the gods, you are telling me what the fuck you’ve been up to as soon as we stop the apocalypse.

[Music plays louder and then fades out]

~~~

Griffin: –And then moments later, there’s Merle on the Zoom Broom with John, and it’s kind of a funny sight because the Zoom Broom was never meant to be a two-person deal, but you guys are managing. You two fly up and over the edge of the Moon Base.

Merle: Hey, what’d you guys do!

Magnus: I fought a bear. 

Merle: Big one?

Magnus: Yeahh.

Merle: Ohoho. Cool. What’d you do, pointy hat?

Taako: Saw my boyfriend.

Merle: Ohh, you’re kiddin’.

Taako: Yeah, it was dope.

Merle: I like that guy.

Taako: He’s a good dude.

Magnus: What’d you do Merle?

Merle: Laid down in a road.

Magnus: [Laughs] Really? That’s it?

Merle: Watched a big worm. Oh, I got my magic powers back.

Taako: Burying the lede... 

Magnus: Ah, nice!

Merle: Yeah, Pan showed up.

Magnus: Ooh.

Taako: Nice.

Merle: We’re good again, no we’re good.

Justin: Taako notices John and narrows his eyes. He’s says,

Taako: Yo Merle, who’s this fool who’s trying to steal my boyfriend’s look? Because I’ll have you know, Kravitz pulls off the whole three-piece suit shebang literally a million-billion-zillion times better than this clown. 

[All the others laugh hysterically]

Griffin: John can’t– he is at a complete loss for words. After some spluttering, he manages to say,

John: Is he always like this?

Merle: Yeah. You get used to it after a while. Y’know, like a hundred years, give or take.

Taako: Let me– let me introduce myself to this loser. I’m Taako, like, from TV, and I’d appreciate it if you addressed me directly if you have any questions. Because today is Taako Tuesday and let me tell you, I am ready to fucking serve.

[More laughter]

Magnus: But seriously, Merle, who the fuck is this?

Merle: Soo… you guys remember that guy who killed me about fifty times?

Taako: I’m just going to state, for the record, that I do not like where this is going.

Merle: Well… 

Travis: Magnus’s grip on the Chance Lance tightens.

Griffin: Magnus isn’t alone in that reaction. Killian is raising her crossbow, and Carey assumes a fighting stance. Barry has this look on his face that is somewhere between bewildered and horrified, and Lup would be pinching the bridge of her nose, if she had fingers or a nose. Angus and Davenport come sprinting out of the main dome, and Angus looks relieved to see everyone. He sees Lucas and there’s this look of surprise and confusion on his face, but then he sees John and regains his composure. He says.

Angus: Hello sir! Who are you? I’m Angus McDonald. It’s very nice to meet you, despite the circumstances and all… 

Griffin: And John isn’t quite sure what to say, because all of the times he had introduced himself previously today, it hasn’t gone very well for him, at all. He turns to Merle with a pleading look.

Taako: Agnes, you’re never going to believe this–

Griffin: Davenport gives Taako the most terrifying death glare any of you have ever seen, which is actually kind of hilarious considering that he isn’t even half of Taako’s height. And he says,

Davenport: We don’t have time for this; the apocalypse is literally happening right now. Someone answer these questions in the most– the shortest manner possible: who is this, why is he here, and how did he end up on the Bureau headquarters?

Merle: Here we go again. So this is John. Yes, that John. Yes, I know that he did some pretty fucked up things, and that this entire situation is entirely his fault. But long story short, shit happened and now he can’t hurt a fly. For the love of Pan, can we move on?

Griffin: Davenport’s eyes widen, and he takes a step back.

Davenport: Nope. Nope. Absolutely not. Merle, what the actual fuck are you thinking? This man– no, this thing– has literally devoured a hundred, if not more, planar systems, killed billions of people, and forced them into carrying out its sick bidding. Just by being here, it is a threat to our mission and goes against everything we believe, and have ever believed, in. So no, Merle, we cannot just ‘move on.’

Merle: For fucks sake, Dav! You don’t know him! I’ve talked to him! I saved his sorry ass because I know that there was something worth saving! If you can’t see that, that’s not my fault!

Davenport: Okay, fine, we’ll discuss what to do about… him, after we take care of the more immediate threat. Unfortunately, we looked all over but there’s just no sign of Lucretia. Lup, Barry, did you all find the Starblaster?

~~~

Griffin: –And Davenport’s looking off the edge of the headquarters just sort of surveying the horizon. And he walks over to where you’re all standing and he says,

Davenport: It looks like you all have done some good work out there, but the facts haven’t changed. The Hunger’s gonna keep attacking this world until it’s destroyed. We…[sighs] we’ve gotta go.

Griffin: And surprisingly, John is the first one to speak up. Previously, he had been hanging back, partially because he had no clue what anyone was talking about and partially because he knew that anyone would shoot down whatever he said, but now he says,

John: No.

Griffin: And Davenport says,

Davenport: Excuse me?

Griffin: And John replies,

John: Please, let me explain myself. I know that you all have every reason not to trust me, every reason to hate me, but please, just let me explain.

Griffin: Then he takes a deep breath and says,

John: For the past gods-know-how-long, I’ve been running away. Fleeing from the inevitability of the omniverse, under the pretense that I was somehow defying it, and doing that somehow made me superior to literally everything and everyone else. But you know what I’ve learned? What Merle taught me? That everything in itself is an eternity. Every life is infinite– each choice someone makes creates infinite possibilities; everyone has an infinite capacity for love, for compassion… as well as for hatred and malice. Hell, even an ant can be infinite. There are different sizes of infinity. And when we are surrounded by all these different infinities, it’s so easy to feel small, as if anything we do will be insignificant. But by believing this, we are ignoring the infinities we create, the ones we love and nourish, for both ourselves and those around us. So I’m done running. I’m ready to embrace my own infinity, rather than fear the ones around me.

Travis: I would like to state that Magnus is clapping right now.

Griffin: Yeah, that was pretty great. Right after John makes this Shakespearian-ass monologue, there’s a flash of light and there’s Lucretia. And she’s standing in front of the gangplank and she’s still surrounded by her barrier. And she’s still channeling the light of creation into her staff, and she says,

Lucretia: I have no idea who this is, but he’s completely right. That’s why– I’m begging you– you all have to let me do this. We’ve been through so much, we’ve given up so much to make this work. I am begging you, please let me do this, please let me put up the barrier.

Magnus: There has to be— Lucretia, there has to be another way.

Griffin: Barry says,

Barry: Lucretia, if that spell goes off, you’re gonna sever every bond this world’s got. This plane would be doomed. 

Griffin: And he turns towards everyone else and he says,

Barry: We’ve got two choices, gang. We stay and Lucretia’s barrier cuts this world off from the rest of existence, or we run. And we try again next cycle. That’s it. Two choices, it’s time to decide.

Taako: Um, there’s a third option.

Griffin: As you say that, Taako, the crystal in Merle’s pocket actually floats up out of his pocket—

Travis: Woah!

Griffin: —and it’s glowing? And it shatters, and suddenly the area you’re all standing in is filled with a thick white fog. And inside that fog, you all see visions of a bright future.

Taako, you see yourself cooking up a feast in a fancy kitchen. And Lup is sitting there, back in her body. And the two of you are laughing about a joke that you can’t quite hear. And Magnus, you’re sitting under a tree at a park, and you’re watching Angus throw a frisbee to a big golden retriever.

And Merle, you see the ocean, and you see yourself splash up out of it, and you’re holding Mookie under one of your arms. And Mavis is watching and laughing from the beach, and you just pick Mookie up and launch him into the water as he cackles the whole way. And sitting a little distance away from Mavis, watching the three of you with fondness in his eyes, is John.

And Carey and Killian are in this big cabin on a mountainside, curled up on a couch, both reading the same book. And Lucretia’s there, and she’s overseeing a crew of workers who are building this massive library in the heart of a thriving rebuilt Neverwinter. And Lucretia’s on the verge of tears as she sees this and she says,

Lucretia: [Almost crying] What is this? What does this mean? 

Magnus: I would like that one, pl— yes, that one? 

Taako: That seems— 

Magnus: This, this one we just saw? I would like this please.

Merle: It— it means there is a happy ending if we get to it.

Griffin: When John hears you say this Merle, something just– something just clicks, and his eyes widen. It’s like up until now, his entire world has been blurry, out of focus, and what you just said made everything clear. Because for years and years and years, John had pondered eternity and how to overcome– to defeat it. But never once did he consider what would happen once he had accomplished that. What was in it for him once he had consumed all of reality.

Taako: Listen, we could close ourselves off, and we could run. There’s a third option though. Lucretia, your spell, could it keep the Hunger bound? Could it... cut the Hunger off?

Griffin: When you say that, Lucretia’s, like, whole posture changes. She kinda leans back, and for a second you see the spell stop being channeled into her staff. And she says,

Lucretia: Huh.

Griffin: And Barry says,

Barry: Huh.

Griffin: And Lup says,

Lup: Huh.

Griffin: And John says,

John: What barrier? What are you all talking about?

Taako: Listen, all that thing wants, the thing it wants more than anything else, we have been basically trolling it for a hundred years. The only thing it wants, is to pick us up and absorb us into itself. And I don’t know about you all, but Taako’s good out here.

Clint: [Cackles and claps]

Griffin: Lucretia says,

Lucretia: That would work. But, I would have to be— I would have to be on the plane that I’m casting the spell over in order to do it. We would have to get up there, into The Hunger.

Merle: If only we had a ship that moved from plane to plane!

Griffin: And Davenport—

Magnus: What he said.

Griffin: Davenport smiles and walks over to the Starblaster. And he says,

Davenport: I can get us up there. I know I can.

Griffin: And he put his hand on the side of Starblaster, up against the hull, and he says,

Davenport: You up for one last flight, old buddy?

Griffin: And he boards the ship.

Griffin: And Lucretia brings down her barrier. And she says,

Lucretia: I’m so sorry. I— I was so...myopic. I worked so hard on this plan, I gave up. I had blinders on, and I don’t expect you all to forgive me but some—

Travis: I run over and hug her.

Griffin: She is just, she just starts weeping. And she says to you Magnus,

Lucretia: I’ll find a way to make it up, I promise.

Magnus: It’s okay.

~~~

Griffin: And you hear Davenport say,

Davenport: We gotta fucking go!

Magnus: One more! Almost done!

Travis: Magnus walks over to Lup and says,

Magnus: We never hung out enough, I felt. Don’t get me wrong, I like you and I think we get along fine. But we, uh, I just felt like we could have—

Lup: No, totally. Let’s save the world, then 420 blaze it. Can we gooOOO? 

Magnus: Hell yeah.

Clint: And then Merle…

Justin: Oh, the end.

Clint: ...takes a step towards the ship, stops, walks towards John, reaches out his hand and says,

Merle: C’mon buddy. Let’s go.

Griffin: At first John looks uncertain, but then a small smile appears on his face, and it grows and and grows until he’s beaming. And Davenport sees this and says,

Davenport: Merle… 

Merle: Please, Davenport, just let me do this. Let me– us have this, please.

Davenport: This isn’t– it’s not going to be a fight I’m going to win, is it?

Merle: Nope.

Davenport: Very well then. Everyone ready?

Magnus: Wait, I want to tell Killian one last thing.

Clint: [laughs]

Taako: Go!

~~~

Griffin: –And high above, we see the Starblaster streaking through the sky, up and away from the moon base, flying for the first time into, not away from, the storm. Everyone on board is terrified, but especially John. He had spent so much time as The Hunger, and now he’s about to defy, fight against, what he believed in so for long. And The Hunger knows this, and despises him for it. There is nothing it wouldn’t do to get to John, to kill him, to eradicate his very existence, for his betrayal. As the Starblaster’s occupants brace themselves for the final battle ahead, they are surrounded by the Voidfish’s light, and their hearts are stirred by the familiar music they suddenly hear. See, there’s magic in a bard’s song. They call it inspiration, and it tells the listener what they need to hear right when they need to hear it. And right now, you hear it too. The message in the music heard round the world. You hear Johann’s voice, telling you,

Johann: You’re going to have to fight. And… you’re gonna win!

[Music swells, then quiets]


End file.
